


Christmases When You Were Mine

by profound-boning (farawaystardust)



Series: Dean Winchester Loves Taylor Swift [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - No supernatural, Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Christmas, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Fluff, Insecure Dean, Inspired by Music, M/M, Making Up, Pining, Post-Break Up, Reunion, Sad Castiel, Sappy, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-09-09 09:12:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8885212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farawaystardust/pseuds/profound-boning
Summary: It’s strange to feel so downtrodden during arguably his favorite time of year. But this year is different than other years.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Song Creations Challenge. This month was a secret Santa challenge, to create something using any xmas song, and mine is for @bennyandthevamps on tumblr!
> 
> Christmases When You Were Mine is actually an original song, lyrics written by T Swizzle herself, as well as lyricist Liz Rose and producer Nathan Chapman [x](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Taylor_Swift_Holiday_Collection)

Castiel has always loved Christmas. It’s better than Halloween and New Years, certainly far better than Thanksgiving, more festive than the Fourth of July or Memorial Day or something.

Being religious means the holiday takes a different tone for him and his family than other families, but that’s something Cas has grown to appreciate. He genuinely enjoys carols, volunteering, the services, and the 'reason for the season,' as his mother would call it.

But this year, Christmas is far more somber.

His two-bedroom apartment feels a lot more empty than cozy right now.

The tree is up and decorated. The nativity on his mantle. Ingredients for cookies in the kitchen.

He didn’t hang up the mistletoe this year, though it had been central to the decorating process last year.

From his spot curled up on the couch, he looks out the window towards the city lights. Darkness falls earlier in Chicago now that it’s mid-December. He’ll be making the drive to Pontiac this weekend, and spending a couple of days before and after Christmas with his family before coming back.

It’s strange to feel so downtrodden during arguably his favorite time of year. But this year is different than other years.

This year, he doesn’t have Dean Winchester.

It’s been nine months since they decided to split up.

Well, Cas thinks to himself, 'decided' is probably too strong of a word. And it sounds like the break-up was mutual and at least somewhat amicable.

It’s been nine months since Cas was dumped by someone with whom he had pictured a happy future. Cold nights wrapped up in blankets and tangled limbs. Office parties with his handsome boyfriend on his arm. Family events spent laughing and eating and drinking.

Some days it doesn’t hurt so badly. Some days he’s busy at work or with his friends and he doesn’t feel so lonely.

But something about the Christmas season really makes the empty half of his bed even worse. The lights on the tree seem harsh. And don’t even ask him about eating pie.

Cas gets up and makes himself a cup of tea. There’s simply no reason to sit around feeling sorry for himself. Not right now, when things are going so well at work, when he’s got friends around him, and there's time with his family on the horizon.

But the anger and sadness fester in his gut.

He sits back down on the couch and reflects on the three Christmases they spent together, happy.

The first Christmas was the one six months after they’d met. Dean had been pretty nervous about meeting his family, but Cas assured him it would be okay. And really, his mom and sister Hannah are very happy and calm people. It’s Gabriel you need to worry about. But even his crazy older cousin was on (semi) good behavior, and the group really enjoyed themselves, eating a delicious dinner and baking several batches of cookies.

Dean had given him a soft blue scarf and a new journal and kissed him softly under the mistletoe.

The second Christmas they split their time between Pontiac and Lawrence, Kansas, where Dean’s dad still lives. Dean’s brother Sam flew back from college in California to celebrate with them, and Cas has never had such a bad beer hangover as he did on December twenty-sixth of that year.

He and Dean had accidentally given each other the same book and they laughed and laughed about it. Sam teased his brother mercilessly, but Cas knew that Sam approved. John, too, was pleased to meet Castiel and to inquire after his work at the engineering firm.

Last year’s Christmas seemed perfectly okay. They spent a long weekend decorating their spacious apartment, stringing up lights, tasting hot chocolate on each other’s lips. They again made time to visit Cas’s family and Dean’s family both. Dean got to meet Cas’s least favorite cousin Raphael and their truly lovely and intelligent wife Billie, and Cas got to meet Dean’s surly but kind hearted uncle Bobby.

This year, Castiel will not know Dean’s plans. He won’t know which ugly sweater Dean will wear or how much apple cider and pie he’ll consume. The thought weighs heavily on his heart.

He tosses and turns all night and rises in the morning to go to work not feeling rested in the slightest, knowing the following night will pass the same way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part one [on tumblr](http://profound-boning.tumblr.com/post/154610790259/)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [lexi](http://caslikescoffeeandfreckles.tumblr.com/) suggested that dean would go to pontiac to apologize so here we go
> 
> now rated T for cursing, tags have been updated

Cas sits quietly on the couch in his parents’ living room, nursing a mug of hot chocolate.

When he had arrived two days ago, Hannah offered him a warm hug and smile. She hasn't followed him around the house trying to keep his mind occupied by mindless chatter. Gabe, on the other hand, has been insufferable, offering whiskey for Cas’s cocoa, asking about his presents, about work. Never leaving him a moment’s peace. Of course, he understands why his cousin persists, but it only makes him feel worse.

Christmas is supposed to be his favorite time of year, and instead, he’s moping on the couch about his ex-boyfriend.

Cas takes a long sip of hot chocolate, ignoring the burn in his throat. There’s no use thinking about what could have been. Dwelling on the ring that’s still sitting on his bedside table, underneath his journals and pens. Thinking about Dean’s eyes in the candlelight, about reaching across a table at a restaurant or even the tiny table in their kitchen back in Chicago. He hadn’t gotten as far as planning it all out yet when Dean started pulling away from him.

Cas firmly shakes his head to dispel the thoughts. There’s simply no use thinking through the what-ifs when it will only hurt him more.

 

Christmas Eve dawns sunny, making the snow on the ground outside even brighter.

He and Hannah settle in on the couch after a light breakfast to watch the Christmas specials. Gabriel is chattering away with their mom in the kitchen, and it’s comfortable and cozy in the Novak household.

The entire family is startled by a knock at the door. It’s not exactly loud, just a gentle rapping of knuckles against the doorframe. Gabriel sticks his head into the living room.

“What the hell? They’re not supposed to be over until later?”

Hannah just looks quizzically at the door as if the wood will reveal its secrets. Cas heaves a sigh as he hoists himself upright and walks to the door.

No one is more surprised than he by the man on the other side.

“Hiya, Cas.” Dean Winchester, as handsome as the day he left, standing with his arms behind his back on Cas’s mother’s porch.

Her voice sounds from just behind him. “Castiel, do let th—. Oh.”

Dean covers his wince. “Hi, Amelia. Uh, Merry Christmas.”

Cas still hasn’t moved. His heart has all but fallen out of his chest. What is happening? How is Dean here? _Why_ is he here? What—?

“Won’t you come in?” Amelia puts a hand on Cas’s shoulder and pulls him gently backward. She smiles just slightly at Dean before looking at Cas. “Why don’t you two go and sit in the living room. I’ll bring in some coffee in a minute.”

“I really don’t want to intrude too much,” Dean starts, looking embarrassed. “I just wanted to—to, uh…” Dean’s eyes dart to Cas’s, then to their feet, and back.

Cas finds his voice and says, “it’s all right. I insist.” And without another word, he turns to walk towards the other room. He can feel Hannah’s eyes on him, on both of them, but he doesn’t dare look at her. He can’t break now. She and their mom have enough smarts to keep Gabriel away long enough to… to what? To talk to Dean? Why? About what?

The questions swirl in Cas’s mind as he sits carefully on the edge of the large white couch. Dean seems to eye every piece of furniture in the room—two arm chairs, the piano, the coffee table—before sitting on the same couch as Castiel, just a foot away.

The item that had been held behind his back is revealed to be a small rectangle wrapped in silvery paper and blue ribbon. Cas stares at it, sitting innocuously on his old couch, willing the gift to reveal itself and its purpose to him.

Dean, still looking a bit pink with embarrassment, rubs his hands together where they’re folded in front of him. Finally, he says, “Merry Christmas, Cas.”

“Merry—Merry Christmas? That’s it?” Oh no. He doesn’t really want to get angry with Dean but, well, after so long and how upset Cas has been, he finds that he can’t believe the first words out of Dean’s mouth are a simple holiday greeting.

Dean for his part looks surprised and then horribly sad. He drops his gaze to his hands. Cas takes in his appearance: black boots, dark jeans, his favorite gray henley, and a red flannel peeking out under the collar of his olive green jacket. No Christmas sweater, Cas notes, though he hadn’t been able to stomach wearing one, either. It’s still early enough that Cas is wearing sweatpants and a t shirt, not yet ready to entertain guests. Not that Cas is exactly sure just what’s going on with his current guest.

Silence falls between them while Cas watches Dean Not Look at him. The tension is so thick it’s pressing down on Cas’s shoulders. He’s been so, so tired of not having Dean beside him. His body is totally in shock, stuck between the joy of having Dean so near and the devastation of not being _his_ anymore.

“I, um.” Dean clears his throat. “I thought about comin’ yesterday or the day before, but I—I didn’t really know what day you’d be coming here, so.” Cas gives a half nod. Their arrival in Pontiac always depended on how much time they could each get off of work, and what the driving conditions were like. “Um. It’s like I said though, I don’t—I don’t want to take up too much of your time.”

Dean hands Cas the wrapped bundle without making eye contact. It’s heavy but not too much in his hands. To be honest, it feels like—. Well, Cas has received enough in his life to know that this is a book.

“You went on and on about it, so when I saw it on the shelf I had to—” Dean runs one hand over his mouth. “Anyway, then I thought about mailing it, but I didn’t know if you were still in—in the same apartment.” _Our apartment._ “So I, uh, I drove up here.”

“You drove for seven hours on December twenty-fourth to give me a book?”

“Well, it sounds ridiculous when you say it like that.” Dean wrings his hands together, something he only ever did when he was nervous. Why is Dean nervous? “I’m sure it’s kind of stupid, I—I mean it’s _definitely_ kind of stupid. I just—. I thought it could be… nice, I guess. Something, um, that I knew you wanted. I just wish that _I_ could’ve been—that I, um, okay.” Dean huffs out a laugh in that way that tells Cas he’s being really critical of himself at the moment, an old familiar sound that still makes Cas’s heart pang in his chest. “I’m gonna stop talking. And I’m gonna drive back to Lawrence now. I didn’t mean to interrupt your time with your family and your—whoever. I’ll just…” Dean trails off, still not even attempting to look at Cas. This is not how Cas was expecting this conversation to go, and he definitely doesn’t like the idea of it ending so quickly.

“Wait, Dean, what do you mean 'drive back to Lawrence?' You’ve just driven all the way here. You must be exhausted.”

“Nah,” Dean says dismissively. He tries to smile, but Cas can clearly see the bags under Dean’s eyes, how pale he looks. But it’s not his job to take care of Dean anymore; Dean made that perfectly clear.

Cas recalls with perfect clarity what it felt like to watch Dean pull away from him. How he hadn’t even noticed at first, until it had suddenly been four days since he’d kissed his boyfriend, six since he’d heard “I love you, too,” seven since they’d been intimate. Not even sex, just general physical intimacy. No more shared showers, cuddling on the couch, holding hands, nothing. Cas remembers how _cold_ he’d felt when he realized Dean was avoiding him. Canceling plans at the last minute, staying late at work, not answering his phone calls or texts.

So by the time Cas woke up on a rainy April morning to an empty bed, a half-empty closet and bathroom, nothing resembling Dean in sight, he’d felt a sort of resigned numbness. It took him a week to open up to his family about it. He’d needed several days off work just to lay around and be utterly miserable. He’d wanted nothing more than for a hole in the ground to open up and to swallow him. He’d wanted—

Dean’s words suddenly click into Cas’s brain.

“Something you knew I wanted,” he repeats. Dean’s eyes flick up to Cas’s face and then Cas’s hand on his arm before dropping down to his own hands again. “You drove all the way here to give me a book that you say you _know_ I want when the only thing I’ve wanted for eight fucking months is you?” Now Dean looks up at him and blinks owlishly. “At the very least you could give me some sort of explanation. Some reason why a perfectly good relationship was there one day and gone the next? You left me in the middle of the night and never said a word about it. And now you’re suddenly here to give me a Christmas present? What the hell, Dean?” He’s not yelling, but it’s a near thing. What on Earth was Dean thinking?

“I—. You—.” Dean swallows thickly. “I did leave you, Cas, but I did it for you, okay? You’ve gotta know that.”

“What?” Cas stares at Dean, disbelieving.

“I mean it’s not like it was a surprise, right?” Dean looks a little hysterical, eyes darting around the room again. “It’s not like you weren’t going to leave, y’know, soon. Or whatever.” Dean clutches at his own knees tightly, Cas’s hand hanging limply in the air between them, unable to move. “Doesn’t matter. Because now you get to do whatever you want and be who you are and not have to worry about me dragging you down. Holding you back. And stuff. So. Hope you—hope you really like it.” He gestures to the gift in Cas’s lap. “I’m just—I’m gonna go now.”

Cas is almost too shocked, too completely and totally knocked off his feet by this revelation that he almost misses his chance to grab Dean’s arm again. When Dean stands up, Cas’s hand reaches out quickly to grasp Dean’s forearm and yank him back onto the couch. It’s obvious that Dean has lost weight, that he’s not looking so good. Cas feels his heart sink inside his chest at the knowledge that Dean has not been taking care of himself these past several months. And to learn that the reason for that is something Dean concocted entirely in his mind is heartbreaking.

“Dean,” he starts gently, moving the gift from his lap to the coffee table. “Dean, you thought I was going to leave you?”

Dean looks at him, wide-eyed. “Well, yeah.” He says it like it’s a fact, a truth of the universe like gravity and e=mc².

Feeling anger and sorrow boil red hot inside of him, Cas has to take two deep breaths before he speaks again. “Why did you think that, Dean?”

“You—Cas, you were always too good for me,” Dean says. “Always knew eventually you’d figure it out.”

“But I don’t understand,” Cas says, aiming for patient but probably not quite hitting it. “Why did you think that?” Dean doesn’t answer, looking at the ground and blinking hard. “Dean, please,” Cas implores. “I need you to talk to me about this.”

“I—” Dean stammers. “It’s—. It was like a bunch of things, I guess.” He keeps wringing his hands. “You had a lot of work and—and you were always going out with your new friends. That time I came with and that guy said all that stuff—”

Cas closes his eyes and groans. Of fucking course.

Zachariah Adler had gone out to happy hour on the same occasion that Cas had finally convinced Dean to come along and meet his friends. Meg and all of his actual friends had liked Dean instantly, but if Dean ever opened his mouth, Zachariah was there to belittle him. Cas had caught it one time and promptly shut that idiot down, but Dean had told Cas later that Zachariah had been _persistent_ and practically followed Dean around making cruel jokes at his expense. It had broken Cas’s heart, but being Zachariah’s subordinate plus the fact that it happened at a casual not-work-related event meant there was nothing he could do. The damage was done though; Dean had never come to another happy hour and begged off all other work events.

“—so then I was like, ‘why keep asking him to go on dates with me when clearly he’d be happier out with his friends?’” Dean continues. “People who are smart like you are. And—and would get your references to stuff and your stories. I was never gonna be able to do that, Cas. Eat your healthy food and talk about—about the universe. You have this way with words, Cas, you enchant everyone you talk to.” Dean finally looks at him, his eyes wet. “And I was never gonna be able to keep you for long. I knew that. But I was fuckin’ selfish and I—I just wanted it to keep going as long as I could. Keep you around.” He swipes at his eyes and Cas feels a cold, heavy weight in his chest.

When they had celebrated their six-month anniversary, right after that very first Christmas, Dean had opened up to Cas about how hard it had been for him to come out to his friends and family. A lot of people made him feel like shit for it, and it was something that haunted him for years. He’d told Cas about feeling stupid in school, not _quite_ good enough in any subject, in any club. Dean’s been fighting an internal battle for years, something Cas thought that he’d been helping Dean confront. His self-esteem issues run so deeply that, apparently, they’d convinced Dean that his relationship with Cas was doomed from the start.

“Dean, you should have told me about this before,” Cas says, reaching out to touch Dean’s hand.

“What, and get you out the door quicker? No, it’s like I said, I was selfish, so I just—. I tried my best to be good to you. But when I found out about your—your _crush_ I knew I needed to stop it and to let you know it was fine. It was okay. For you to leave. And—and you’ve moved on by now, of course. I’ve wondered about who it might be. Who would be here. Are they here? Maybe you both couldn’t get the time off from your firm. Is it Balthazar?”

“My—? Balthazar? What the fuck are you talking about?” Cas hasn’t had a crush on anyone since Dean accidentally grabbed _his_ coffee order and looked so adorably flustered at the mistake, Cas had _had_ to sit down and talk with him. He’d fallen hard and fast for Dean and he’d never looked back. Where is this all coming from? It takes several more minutes of Cas quietly watching Dean’s face, praying for him to explain before Dean opens up, looking for all the world like he’d rather be anywhere else.

“You—you were talking to Hannah, I think. On the phone. I’d gotten home early and you were in the kitchen. You said that you were—you were ready to take the next step.” Dean swallows hard, his posture hunched and tense. “You said you had been thinking about this for a while, and that it’s for the best. ‘I just hope Dean is happy with it,’ you said.”

Cas is stunned. “I was talking about _you,_ Dean, about us! I had never been so happy Dean, having you in my life, sharing an apartment, being domestic and happy and… I was planning to ask you to marry me for God’s sake!”

Dean’s eyes grow wide. He whips his head around so fast Cas worries for a moment he might’ve hurt his neck. “You… What?” Dean says, disbelieving.

“I was ready to take the next step with _you,_ you big doofus. You overheard me telling Hannah about my plans to propose to you.”

“Well… well, that’s even worse, then.” Dean buries his face in his hands. “I can’t believe you wanted to marry me. Of all the stupid ideas…”

Cas tugs on Dean’s hands so they reveal his flushed face and embarrassed expression, and he holds those hands tightly in his own, scooting closer to Dean on the couch. “No,” he says. “A stupid idea would be making assumptions and pulling away from your boyfriend rather than talking to him about your concerns. Another stupid idea would be that boyfriend allowing you to do such a thing. Being in a relationship with you is the _best_ idea I’ve ever had, and it’s one I’d make again in a heartbeat.”

“N—no,” Dean stammers, weakly trying to free himself from Cas’s grip. “You don’t mean that.”

“But I do,” Cas insists. “You were a bit of an idiot but Dean, you’re special and wonderful and perfect for me. Dean, _please_ can’t you see we’ve been miserable being apart like this?”

“You’re—you can do so much better, Cas.” Dean’s pleading, eyes round and shining. Cas is sure he doesn’t look too dissimilar, he feels close to tears at the knowledge that Dean left over something that didn’t and doesn’t and never will exist. Dean didn’t stop loving him, Dean thought Cas had stopped loving _him._

“I love you,” Cas reminds him. Dean squeezes his eyes shut. “I love you. I never stopped. I never will.” Dean lists forward, pressing his face into Cas’s shoulder. Cas brings his arms up to circle Dean’s back and pull them closer together. “I’m sorry about Zachariah, and I’m sorry that you thought I wanted to be with someone else. I love you so much, Dean. I love you.”

“Love you,” Dean gasps into the fabric of Cas’s shirt. “I—I’m so—sorry I left. I—”

Cas hushes him, carding his fingers through Dean’s soft hair. “I know. But you’re here now, and I forgive you, okay? We’re okay. Just come home to me, Dean. Please, _please_ come home.”

Dean sniffles. “You really want me to come back with you?”

“Of course I do, Dean.” Cas thinks that that’s when it will seem _real_ —that this really was just some horrible misunderstanding and not a case of lost love—the moment Dean steps over the threshold of _their_ apartment and can sit on _their_ couch and lay in _their_ bed again. “We could go to Kansas tomorrow, just like old times, so we can get your stuff?”

Wiping his cheeks with one arm, Dean says, “okay will you—just open your present now?" The attempt at deflection is so typically Dean it makes Cas smile. Leaning over to grab the package, he theatrically pulls off the bow and carefully peels off the paper. It turns out Dean had purchased a book of poems that Cas really wanted—no surprise, the collection is about bees after all. Cas smiles gently at it, remembering how Dean had fondly rolled his eyes when Cas pointed it out, teased him for being such a nerd. The fact that Dean had remembered and gone out to get it for him, even though they had split up, doesn’t surprise Cas at all. One of Dean’s best qualities is how generous and considerate he is.

“It's wonderful, Dean, thank you. But the truth is, _you_ are all I really wanted this year.”

“You sap.” Dean blushes bright red. He tugs on the sleeve of Cas’s shirt and appears to be deep in thought. Cas waits patiently for him to speak again. “You really want me to come back to Chicago? The store's gonna be all mad that I gotta transfer. And it’s like you said, we’ll have to go to my dad’s and get all my stuff.”

“That is annoying, and I’m sorry for all the hassle. I’ll be there to help, though.” Cas grins. “Think of it this way, when you come back you’ll get to save me from myself with regard to our hamper. You’ll be appalled, really.”

“Oh, are you going commando today?” Dean teases with a real spark of mirth in his eyes that makes Cas feel warm all over. “Or did you buy a new pack of undies just for this trip?”

“I’ll have you know that I actually did some laundry this week.” He keeps one arm on Dean’s back and places the other hand on his leg. Dean immediately captures that hand in both of his and strokes his fingers down each of Cas’s, a familiar gesture that makes Cas’s heart sing. “Literally all of my underwear and some shirts, I think.”

“Your Christmas sweaters?”

“I couldn’t wear them without you there,” Cas admits.

Dean cringes. “Sorry.”

“I don’t want you to feel like you need to apologize for the rest of our lives,” Cas tells him. “It was a big misunderstanding. And you got so lost in your head you felt like you couldn’t talk to me about it.”

Nodding, Dean brings Cas’s hand up to his mouth to press a kiss to his palm. “I should have known that I could talk to you. You know I get anxious about you settling for me.”

“I’m not settling,” Cas promises, an old conversation between them. “Neither of us are. We’re together because we’re good for each other and we like each other.”

“I like you _and_ I love you.” Dean smiles at him, and Cas thinks his heart could just burst from the joy this day has brought him.

“Merry Christmas, Dean.”

“Merry Christmas, angel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so _then_ amelia will bring in the coffee and congratulate them on getting their shit figured out
> 
> gabriel is a lot less easy to please though he’s full of righteous indignation that dean would put his dear cassie through all of that and it’s a good thing hannah is there to smooth everyone’s feathers plus she gives dean this big hug and is like “we’re so glad you’re back dean” 
> 
> cas’s family does come later and while everyone exchanges gifts and eats and drinks, cas and dean can be found on the couch, holding hands and just talking, leaning into each other and smiling and kissing at every opportunity it’s so soft and adorable gabriel starts complaining about cavities even though _you_ are the candy addict gabe stfu 
> 
> they go to mass and sleep curled up together just like old times and dean says it’s the best night of sleep he’s had in months. they drive to lawrence the next day and john is like “well thank god for that I was getting real worried about you boy I’m just glad it’s all been sorted” and oh man sam is never going to let this go he probably hugs cas a dozen times 
> 
> and when they do get back to chicago (“you’re calling out of work for me cas this must be quite serious” “anything for you, dean winchester”) they make love in every room and twice in their bed before cas pulls out that gold band and says “I know we only just got together but something tells me maybe this will be a really, really Not Stupid idea” and dean agrees 
> 
> xxx 
> 
> here's the book dean got for cas: [If Bees Are Few: A Hive of Bee Poems](http://www.barnesandnoble.com/p/if-bees-are-few-james-p-lenfestey/1122935358/2674222141339/)
> 
> part two [on tumblr](http://profound-boning.tumblr.com/post/161001261149/)


End file.
